Krillin's New Groove
by MrTennek
Summary: Tired of his friend Krillin being in a rut, Goku decides to intervene and change his life for the better!...Or worse...


DBZ - Krillin's New Groove 

Disclaimer - I don't own DBZ...BUT I OWN YOU ALL! PWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-- (gets sniped)

Narrator - One sunny day in West City...

Krillin - (wakes up in bed) Ah, what a beautiful morning! The sun is shining, the birds are singing; and I feel grrrrrreat! Yep,  
not a thing in the world can bring me down today. Not my severely debilitating erectile dysfunction, the fact that I'm shrinking in size by the day, or even that wise-cracking royal prick Vegeta! (gets up) Yes sir, I'm feeling mighty good! Yep, I can tell that it's going to be a fantastic day for m--

18 - (walks by quickly) Krillin, I'm leaving you, and I'm taking our daughter with me.

Marron - I hate you daddy; you can't get it up in bed with Mommy!

Yamcha - (walks out as well) Adios dude. I've had all I can stand of you. I'm going back to living with Master Roshi and his homosexual advances. Anything is better than being around you! (leaves)

Repo-Man - Mr. Krillin, I presume. We have a request here to reposess exactly $40,000 in household items from you, to pay off a massive debt that was credited to your name by a Mr. Vegeta Briefs. (proceeds to take everything out of the house)

Kim Jong Il - (in Korea) Fire the missile!

(a nuclear warhead hits Krillin dead on; causing a massive explosion)

(a bird flies by and craps on Krillin's head)

Krillin - (on fire and with shit dripping down his forhead)...

Goku - (walks by) Heya there little buddy! So how's life treatin' ya today?

Krillin - (smoldering in a crater)...

Goku - Ah, that's great! Say, you know what; I'm in such a great mood today, what with this wonderful weather and all; how about I take you out for some lunch at that newly built Arbies restaurant! Whattaya say, huh?

Krillin - (slowly getting up) Goku...I just had my entire life ruined before me in a matter of mere seconds...I am suicidally depressed,  
my wife hates me, my house is gone, Korea just nuked my ass, and my daughter knows that my dong is really nothing but a shrivelled up prune...And you think I want to go eat lunch with you at Arbies?...

(long silence)

Goku - ...Who the hell are you!

(an airliner crashes head on into Krillin)

-(a little while later, at Arbies...)-

Goku - Krillin, mah little bro, you wanna know why nothing good ever happens to you in life?

Krillin - I'm bald, I have stars on my forehead, I'm 3 feet tall, I've got the voice of a crack addict, I can't maintain an erection for more than 3 consecutive seconds--?

Goku - Nope! None of those reasons! But seriously, keep that boner stuff to yourself man...You know, I'm tryin' to enjoy a BLT here!

Krillin - Goku, you're eating a paper napkin...

Goku - Well that 'would' explain the extreme blandness of this bacon!

Krillin - Anyways, where are you going with all of this? I 'do' have important things to do today!

Goku - What I'm tryin' to say bud, is that you gotta find a 'groove'! You see, right now, you're just stuck in a rut; that's all!  
But with the help of your good old buddy Goku here, you'll be back on track and hittin' on them bitches in no time!

Krillin - You know, I'm still married...

Goku - Pah! Marriage is for fools! You should be more like me; free as a bird, and without a worry in sight!

Krillin - Yeah, and with unpaid child support bills piling up on your doorstep every day!

Goku - Is that what those things are? Hah, I always thought that they were complimentary toilet-paper rations!

Krillin - You are a complete fing moron, you that G-- ...Goku...?

Goku - (eating the curtains beside them) I NEED MORE TARTAR SAUCE HERE!

-(shortly after...)-

Goku - Alright, first things first Kuririn. I--

Funimation Executive - Ahem! (gives the stink eye)

Goku - Huh?...Oh right! Sorry...Eh..."Krillin", I think that we should first start your journey into pimpdom by going to the nearby 'Discount Shizzles' and getting you some new threads! How does that sound my vertically challenged little comrade?

Krillin - I don't like all of these words that end with 'izzle'...They frighten me...

Goku - Oh come on; don't be such a pussy!

Krillin - Uh...(points his finger to the side)

Goku - Huh?

(the camera pans back, revealing that the two are right beside a group of burly, unshaven, protesting feminists)

Goku - Oh...great...

-(one minute and a severe lynching later, at the shopizzle in da tizzle)-

Goku - Hey there 'Pimpsta D.'! Howya doin'?

Pimpsta D. - Hey! Gokizzle in da hizzle, yo! Hizzle you bizzle, my nizzle?

Goku - Oh, fo shizzle! Ya nizzle, I'z been with da frizzle bo schnizzle and the grizzle! Dis here's my lizzle frizzle, Krinizzle!

Pimpsta D. - Yo lizzle brizzle, how'z it fizzle shizzle?

(long silence)

Krillin - ...Uh...What just happened?...

Goku - Oh, you'll have to excizzle my frizzle, he ain't used to spizzlin' the snizzle!

Krillin - What is this, some type of morse code?

Pimpsta D. - Oh, I gizzizzle dat izzle. You come here for some thrizzles?

Goku - Hell yeah dawg! Come on Krizzle, let's go fashizzle! (walks away, pulling Krillin along)

Krillin - (terrified) What's happening!

-(in the backizzle of the storeizzle)-

Pimpsta D. - Alright Gizzle. We just got a shippizzle of new thrazzizzles in todizzle! They all in the back, if you wanna trizzizle them izzle!

Goku - Fo shizzle nizzle! Come on Krillin, let's go try out some stuff on you! (walks away)

Krillin - (shaking violently in fear) Where am I...!

-(moments later...)-

Goku - Alright Krillin, let's see what you've picked out!

Krillin - (from behind the curtains) Okay...(walks out in a pink and green suade pimp coat, brandishing a long cane, and with a ludicrously sized feather in a hat)

Goku - Aww man! You stylin' now dawg! Hey dude, you got any more stuff like this?

Pimpsta D. - Goku, am I not the discountizzle nizzle of this neiborhizzle?

Goku - ...I have no idea what you just said...

Pimpsta D. - ...

Krillin - ...?

-(several moments later)-

Krillin - (comes out dressed in a 'ghetto' outfit, with a backwards baseball cap on) Well?

Goku - Shhhheeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttt! That is HOT baby! You wear that out man, I tell ya, you're gonna get every ho from this side of town to the next! Damn!

Krillin - Uh, I think I'm having some kind of reaction here with this material...

Pimpsta D. - No bro, dats just da vibe that you feelin'!

Krillin - Uh, no, I'm pretty sure that these are welts forming...

Goku - Onto the next outfit!

-(a minute later)-

Krillin - (emerges wearing a turban and a highland dancing outfit) Uh, okay, I think you must have gotten a wrong shipment in here or something...

Pimpsta D. - No nizzle, dats our latest styzzle! I calizzle it 'da turbizzle in da highland-izzle'!

Krillin - ...Right...I think I would get mobbed by angry Sihks and Scots if I went out looking like this...

Goku - Hey man, tha Pimspta's never wrong, yo! You just gotta trust us-- you look great! Much, much better than than crap you used to wear!

Krillin - Uh, yeah, speaking of that; where are my old clothes?...Just...in case I'd rather not go out later dressed like this...

Goku - Well man, I won't lie to ya; I got rid of 'em.

Krillin - YOU DID WHAT!

Goku - Hey now, I knew you'd wouldn't be happy; but rest assured, they went to a good cause!

Krillin - What? You mean charity?

Goku - Something...along the lines of that...

(flashback!)

Goku - (sitting on the toilet and reading a magazine) Raising gas prices? I can relate to that! (farts loudly and laughs insanely)  
Ah...good times...(reaches for toilet paper, but there's none) Oh crap! Just great...Now what am I gonna use to 'cleanse' myself? (looks around and spots Krillin's pile of old clothing, which he left behind) Voila!

(back to tha present!)

Krillin - YOU WIPED YOUR FAT HAIRY SAIYAN ASS WITH MY GI! That thing was a present from Master Roshi 15 years ago you buffoon!

Pimpsta D. - Man, that just ain't right, yo.

Goku - Oh, I am SO sorry Mr. Selfish! You know, I didn't have to bring you all the way down here and try to help you better your miserable, puny little life! And now that I have, you get all pissy just cause I rimmed my anus using your--

Krillin - ALRIGHT ALREADY, LET'S JUST GO! This fabric is starting to make me really light-headed...What the hell is it anyway!

Pimpsta D. - All of our products are made only with the finest and highest quality asbestos!

Krillin - As...bestos...?

Goku - Yeah. If you start to get larges, bulbous lumps on your skin or internal organs, I'd suggest taking it off immediately.

Pimpsta D. - True dat.

Krillin - (passes out and dies of cancer)

Goku - Alrighty then! I think we'll call it a day!

-(at the cashizzle registizzle)-

Pimpsta D. - Alright then mah nizzlez...All of these clizzles that you pizzizzled aproximizzly comes tizzle...$130 dizzles!

Goku - (grimaces) Sheesh! That's a little pricey for me...Krillin, what do you say you just pick out one of the four outfits instead of them all?

Krillin - (bleeding profusely from every orifice)

Goku - Fine then, be that way! Sorry Pimpsta; seems my friend here is a little indecisive at the moment! So, how about we do this-  
How 'bout instead of buying them all, we just mix and match a bunch of the clothes together, and make one stylin', funkily fused outfit!

Pimpsta D. - Fo sho! I'd be wizzizzle to do that izzle!

Goku - Alrighty then...What shall we choose...

(silence)

Goku - How about...We take the turban, the green suade jacket, the short-shorts, and...the ghetto slippers!

Pimpsta D. - Fa shizzle Gokizzle! I tell yizzle, you'z got good tazizzle in clozzizlez my nizzle!

Goku - Damn straight mah n--ga!

Pimpsta D. - ...Alright...I told you once, I ain't gonna tell you again foo'; don't you ever call me that again! You a honkey and you do not address me as such, ya clear? You do that again and I gonna be forced to go mofo on yo ass, bitch!

Goku - Alright, alright, I'm sorry! Please... just...keep your guns holstered...

Pimpsta D. - Alrizzle! Anyhizzle, here's your billizzle, and have a nice dizzle.

Goku - Thank's Pimpy! Let's go Krizzle! We got a lot more stuff to do! (runs off, dragging Krillin's lifeless body with him)

-(outside da store!)-

Goku - Well you must be a happy little dwarf there! You just got all these new clotches, AND, your bestest buddy paid for all of 'em!

Krillin - I don't know if I should be ecstatic or morbidly depressed...

Goku - Damn straight, yo! But man, you really gotta learn how to talk like a gangsta...That was just embarrassing in there!

Krillin - And how do you propose I do that.

Goku - Hey bud, it's easy! You just gotta end every second word with 'izzle', and you're all set!

Krillin - You can't be serious.

Goku - Hell yeah! Come on, give it a try; and say it nice and loud! Let the whole world hear what the 'new' Krillin sounds like!

Krillin - Uh Goku, I really don't think that's a smart--

Goku - (threateningly) Do it...!

Krillin - (swallows heavily) Uh...(yells loudly) YO, WHATZ UP MY FIZZLED NI--ER-IZZLES!

Goku - Er...

Krillin - ...?

(a huge mob of crowbar-toating black gang-bangers are standing beside them)

Krillin - Oh sweet mother of mercy.

-(one hour and a 'I pity the foo' later...)-

Krillin - Well, to say that didn't go over well would be the understatement of the century...

Goku - Yeah, you're probably gonna want to stay away from that neighbourhood for a couple of weeks...But hey, all was not lost! At least they didn't take the clothing, right!

Krillin - Yeah...Lucky me...I don't think a hobo on their death-bed would take these clothes.

Goku - Now then, let us continue our quest!

Krillin - Goku, I'm starving and I haven't used the bathroom for over 24 hours straight now, so maybe we could slow down a bit and--

Goku - Not a chance! (grabs Krillin and flies off violently)

-(30 minutes later, at a 'gangsta' car dealership...)-

(actually, it's just a regular one, but Goku insists on calling it otherwise...)

Goku - Alright bro, now we gotta get you a pimpin' new ride! That old convertable ain't gonna do it for you anymore!

Krillin - Uh, Goku, I never drove a convertable...

Goku - ...

Author - Wow, that can't be good.

-(meanwhile)-

Vegeta - Ah, what a wonderful afternoon! I think I'll go out for a nice leisurly drive in my brand new, and extremely expensive conve--

(silence)

Vegeta - What-- WHERE THE HELL IS MY CAR!

-(back at the dealership)-

Goku - Oh boy, that's gonna wind up in court...

Car Salesman - Hello sirs! Can I pick either of you in helping a car?

Krillin - W-- What?

Car Salesman - Uh-- Oh, I'm terribly sorry! I'm getting extremely light-headed all of a sudden...

Goku - Oh yeah, that's just the cancer-causing agents that are spewing off my friends suit here at the moment.

Car Salesman - R...right...(clears his throat) So then, what kind of a car are you two looking for?

Goku - Oh, somethin' really stylin' and hip; if you know what I mean!

Car Salesman - Ah yes, I've got just the model! (walks over to a ridiculously expensive sports car) This baby here is the best of the best! It's got everything: air conditioning, an advanced security system, a TV and DVD player, rocket powered engines; the works!

Goku - Sounds great my good man! How much?

Car Salesman - Ah, $570,000.

Goku - Hmmmm...A bit much!

Krillin - (cautiously examines the car)

(a siren goes off)

Car Salesman - Sir, please keep your dist--

(a flame shoots out of the side of the car, lighting Krillin's turban on fire)

Krillin - ...

Car Salesman - Uh, like I said; a 'very' good security system! (grins)

Krillin - (smoldering) No kidding...

Goku - Alrighty then! Since my buddy here seems to be pretty fond of it, and considering just how great of a deal it is; I'll take it!

Car Salesman - Excellent! Will you be paying by cash or credit card?

Goku - Credit, good sir!

Krillin - Goku, how in the hell do you plan to pay off a half a million dollar car! You can't even afford a pair underwear!

Goku - Don't worry buddy, I got it ALL taken care of! (smiles and walks off)

-(meanwhile...)-

Bulma - I can't believe someone stole your new car!

Vegeta - I know! The nerve of these earthlings; and to me-- a Saiyan prince! Well, I guess I'm going to have to rent a car until my insurance kicks in. Going to send my credit bills through the roof thou--...(silent)

Bulma - What is it?

Vegeta - ...WHERE THE HELL IS MY CREDIT CARD!

-(back at ze dealership)-

Salesman - Alright Mr. Goku, here is your card back, and have a pleasant day! I'll see to it that one of our employees brings your car around to the front for you.

Goku - Alrighty, sounds good! (holds his hand out)

Salesman - (goes to shake Goku's hand)

Krillin - (stops the man) Not if you value your life.

Goku - Oh Krillin; you nut! (slams him across the head so hard, that it causes both of his eyes to shoot out across the room)

Krillin - OH SWEET JESUS--

Goku - Have a nice day sir! (leaves, dragging Krillin along)

-(outside the dealership)-

Goku - Ah, I can't wait to take that baby for a drive! (giggles like a girl)

Krillin - Goku, you gotta help me here; I can't find my eyes--

Goku - Oh, you goof! (slaps Krillin across the back; knocking him into oncoming traffic)

Krillin - (gets run over by his new sportscar)

Goku - Oh, come on man! You know how much that paintjob costs!

Krillin - (long dead)

Goku - (drags Krillin inside the car) Alright! If you don't mind buddy, I'd like to try this gal out first! You're pretty tired,  
and what with your...eye issues...I think it would be best...

Krillin - O...kay...?

Goku - (steps down on the accelerator hard)

(the car goes flying forward at 4,000 miles an hour)

Goku - Damn! This baby's got some torque!

Krillin - (with about a thousand bugs stuck to his face) Uh...maybe you should slow down a bit--

Goku - Nonsense! We're just getting started! Time to shift into 'ultra-drive'! (does so; causing the car to hit the speed of light and de-materialize)

-(several minutes later)-

(the car with Goku and Krillin re-materializes on an empty street)

Goku - Whoa! That was some crazy trip, eh buddy!

Krillin - (twitching violently and drooling)

Goku - Damn straight! (looks behind him and sees a massive cataclysm of damage in their wake) Boy, I sure hope nobody was hurt in that little stunt!

Krillin - Yeah, I think we went airborn and blew up a plane.

Tien - Don't worry, I can see their parachutes-- they're okay!

Goku - ...

Krillin - ...

Tien - ...

Goku - ...

Krillin - ...

Tien - ...

Goku - (runs over Tien several times and then annihilates him with a blast) Hah, take that!

Yamcha - Boy, you sure sent him to another dimension!

Goku - What the--! (blows away Yamcha as well)

Yajirobe - (comes out of nowhere and slices Vegeta for no apparent reason) BANZAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIII!

Vegeta - YOU-- YOU "ALMOST" CUT THROUGH MY ARMOR! (collapses)

Goku - SWEET MOTHER OF-- DAMN YOU FUNIMATION!

-(several hours later...)-

Goku - Alright little bro, I've tought you everything that I know! Just remember the three rules of being a gangster, wear the clothes we bought earlier, drive that sucka of a car; and you'll be JUST fine!

Krillin - Uh yeah...Those clothes are the fashion equivalent of a chemical weapon, I still have no clue what the hell a 'gangsta'  
is, and I am mortally afraid of that death-machine you call a 'car'!

Goku - Don't worry man, you just gotta have some faith in yourself! Take stock in how you look, and you'll do great! Now then, I have to be off for my daily spleen and bowel cleansing! Adios!

Krillin - Spleen and bow--? Oh, why do I even bother.

-(two hours later at Krillin's aboad)-

Krillin - (looking in the mirror) Okay Krillin, be calm, be calm...You'll do just fine...Just concentrate...concentrate.  
You've got nothing to be afraid of...You got a great car, and you look good...-- Oh what am I saying! I look good?  
I look like the lovechild of Ghandi and Snoop Dog in this outfit! And if I even step anywhere near that car, I'm pretty convinced that the entire universe will come to an explosive end! (slumps over and groans) Oh God, you had better be right about this Goku...Cause if not; any of my remaining dignity and pride will be destroyed forever!

Passers By - (struggling not to laugh)

Krillin - OH SHUT UP!

Author - Hey, keep yer turban on dude.

-(20 minutes later outside Goku's house)-

Gohan - Dad, I thought you said Krillin was going to be here over 10 minutes ago! What's the deal?

Goku - Oh, don't worry Gohan; he's just probably getting used to that new car of his-- that's all! Trust me, when he's coming, you'll know!

Gohan - Huh?

Goku - Just wait and see...

(silence)  
(suddenly, the entire neighbourhood starts to rumble and shake violently)

Gohan - What the--

(suddenly, Krillen comes speeding in violently inside of his new sportscar at about 5,000 miles per second)

Krillin - (screaming) OH SSHHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT-- (crashes headfirst into Goku's house)

Goku - (grinning like an idiot)

Chichi - (comes running outside) WHAT IN THE HELL--

Krillin - (stumbles out of the wreckage) Jesus Christ; and I had only that thing set to 'minimum'!

Goku - Ah, Krillin! Glad to see that you could make it! I heard that there was quite a bit of traffic in your direction, and I was a bit concerned you wouldn't show up!

Krillin - Yeah, well, when you're going at about 20 times the speed of sound, you don't really have a chance to brake. So if there was anything in front of me on the way here, it's more than definitely annihilated by now.

Goku - Ah, that's great! Well come on inside; everyone's waiting to meet the 'new' you in the livingroom!

Krillin - Yeah, that's probably a good idea. I've got about a whole cavalry of cops and feds on my ass...(walks in)

-(inside the house)-

Goku - Now then, just wait here while I introduce the 'new' you to all of our guests, okay?

Krillin - (sits down) Okay...

Goku - And here; while you wait, have something to drink! (holds out a glass containing various unidentifiable liquids)

Krillin - What in the name of God is that.

Goku - It's a baloney and prune parfet! Help yourself! It's really good! Right Chichi?

Chichi - (with vomit seeping out of her mouth)...Right...

Krillin - Uh, thanks for the offer, but I think I'll pass--

Goku - I SAID DRINK! (shoves the glass into Krillins mouth violently)

-(meanwhile, in the livingroom...)-

(Vegeta, Bulma, Piccolo, 18, Marron, and Yamcha are all conversing with one another)

Piccolo - So, remind me, why the hell are we all here again?

Vegeta - Hell, I can't remember. Something to do with throwing that midget a 'coming out of the closet' party, or something...

18 - Pfft, he did that a LONG time ago! Right Marron?

Marron - Right Mommy! He's got a noodle for a dong!

18 - How very true.

Bulma - Now, come on guys, be nice! I'm sure the last thing Krillin wants tonight is to be totally humiliated in front of everyone!

Vegeta - Now Bulma, you know that's the only reason I'm here!

Piccolo - Hate to say it, but me too.

Yamcha - I just want to see him snap and go into a homicidal killing spree. I know it's coming!

Goku - (enters the room) Alright everyone; thank you all for waiting so patiently; we greatly appreciate it! Our guest is about to make his absolutely fantabulous entrance, so ready yourselves for the most absolutely pimptastic, schnizzlin', bo-fizzlin', stylin' makeover evah!

Vegeta - Can we JUST get on with it already! I was supposed to be over at the insurance place over an hour ago getting my car replaced, and I'm still trying to deal with that friggen credit card theft!

Goku - Oh yeah, about that Vegeta; it was Krillen who took it from you. So, feel free to kill him slowly after this party's over.

Vegeta - (red in the face) Will do...

Goku - Uh, alright! Now then, allow me to introduce the man of the hour...the number one under the sun...the baddest gangsta this side of west city...KRIZZILLIN!

Krillin - (comes barging in wearing a turban, a fluerescent green coat, a pair of boxer shorts, and sandals) YO, WAZZUP MY HOMIES?

(long silence)

Piccolo - ...

Vegeta - ...

Bulma - ...

18 - ...

Marron - ...

Yamcha - ...

Krillin - ...Uh--

Everyone - (breaks into hysterical laughter)

Goku - See, I told ya they'd love it! (grins moronically)

Krillin - Eh...

18 - Oh sweet Jesus-- I needed a good laugh today! Hahahahaha!

Vegeta - (in tears) It's like Bollywood meets BET! (continues laughing)

Piccolo - At last, I am no longer the strangest looking! THANK YOU GOD!

Yamcha - (gefawing) Dude, you've succesfully went from 'dork' to 'indescribably lame'!

Marron - (pointing at Krillin's crotch) And your wang's still limp!

Krillin - (pulls a revolver out and shoots himself in the head)

(everyone continues to laugh uncontrollably)

Yamcha - (picks up Krillin's turban) Hey, this thing is pretty nice! (goes into a ridiculous east-indian dance number)

Piccolo - Hey, there's only room for ONE turban wearing freak in this party! (special-beam-cannon's Yamcha in the face)

Yamcha - (falls backwards, spewing blood everywhere) YAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Vegeta - (gets blood on his shirt) AGH! NOT MY NEW PERRYWINKLE-COLOURED SHIRT! FINAL FLASH! (obliterates everything)

Kim Jong Il - HYAAAAAGHHHHHHH! (drops a bomb on the house)

Gohan - ...

Goku - Well, I think my work is done here! (sprouts wings and flies off)

Announcer - 'Touched by a Saiyan' will return after these messages!

-(and now for a public service announcement!)-

Goku - Hello folks. Your friend and star Goku here, to talk to you about some very important things. In todays episode, we dealt with some extremely serious matter. Car theft, credit card fraud, ebonics, turbans, baloney parfets, and bullying! From the entire cast of DBZ here, we would just like to let all of you know that these things are NOTHING to laugh about. They are all very serious,  
and should be treated as such. And with that being said, have a pleasant night! (winks)

Author - And I the author would like to add...DON'T LISTEN TO WHAT THAT ASSHAT SAID! STEAL CARS, COMMIT FRAUD, WEAR TURBANS,  
AND BULLY PEOPLE TO YER HEARTS CONTENT! MWAHAHAAHAHAHAAAAAHAHAHAAH-- (gets drive-by'd)

Pimpsta D. - (with uzis) Fo sho! 


End file.
